Let's Rodeo - A Guide to America's New Sport

I’m sure many of you have heard of the new sport that is sweeping the nation. It's a sport that yours truly invented and I’m proud to say that I am the self-declared world champion. You may be asking yourself, "What is this wonderful sport?" Well, pardner, cinch up your chaps and straighten your hat, you’re about to find out.

The spectacular new sport is none other than Office Rodeo!

Office Rodeo involves many of the same features as sissy rodeo: Big bulls, fine steeds, clowns, and of course, rough and tumble bovine-primates (formerly known as cowboys, cowgirls, or cow persons). The similarities end there because Office Rodeo offers the added benefit of climate control, business casual attire, and cubicle walls.

Some key events of Office Rodeo include:

Bull Dogging:  In this event, the bovine-primate climbs onto a desk, gets into a crouching position, and waits for a unsuspecting person to walk down the chute (aka cubicle aisle). When the person is within range, the bovine-primate leaps from the desk, drives the person to the ground, and ties their feet and hands.

Bull dogging is judged upon time, size of the bulldogged, and style. Style points include jumping technique, vocal inflection, and shoe selection.

Roping:  This event requires a steed. The steed can be any person sizable enough to run around the office with a bovine-primate on their back. The rider must lasso an unwilling participant and attempt to take them to the ground and bind their feet and hands.

Judging is based upon the same criteria used for bull dogging, however, the quality of the steed's coat will also be considered. Camel hair outranks suede but will not, in any case, trump velvet.

Bull Riding:  This is the main event in Office Rodeo. In bull riding the bovine-primate quietly eases up behind the bull, quickly clasps their hands around the bull’s chest, and gently kisses him on the neck. All that is left from there is to hang on for dear life.

Points are awarded for time, size of the bull, and number of broken bones.

In some cases the ride may go into a bonus round. This is when the unwilling bull throws the rider from his back and commences to beat the living crap out of him. Bonus points will be awarded based upon a complex mathematical equation involving the ratio between the number of punches taken and the number of bones broken. Most people are far too stupid to understand it, so I won't explain it any further. An additional curse factor will be applied as a tie-breaker.

As you can well imagine, this sport will soon overtake both NASCAR and World Cup Soccer in popularity. So, to all of you, I say, “YEE HAW! Let's Rodeo!”