I’m sure many of you have heard of the new sport that is sweeping the nation. It's a sport that yours truly invented and I’m proud to say that I am the self-declared world champion. You may be asking yourself, "What is this wonderful sport?" Well, pardner, cinch up your chaps and straighten your hat, you’re about to find out.
The spectacular new sport is none other than Office Rodeo!
Office Rodeo involves many of the same features as sissy rodeo: Big bulls, fine steeds, clowns, and of course, rough and tumble bovine-primates (formerly known as cowboys, cowgirls, or cow persons). The similarities end there because Office Rodeo offers the added benefit of climate control, business casual attire, and cubicle walls.
Some key events of Office Rodeo include:
Bull Dogging: In this event, the bovine-primate climbs onto a desk, gets into a crouching position, and waits for a unsuspecting person to walk down the chute (aka cubicle aisle). When the person is within range, the bovine-primate leaps from the desk, drives the person to the ground, and ties their feet and hands.
Bull dogging is judged upon time, size of the bulldogged, and style. Style points include jumping technique, vocal inflection, and shoe selection.
Roping: This event requires a steed. The steed can be any person sizable enough to run around the office with a bovine-primate on their back. The rider must lasso an unwilling participant and attempt to take them to the ground and bind their feet and hands.
Judging is based upon the same criteria used for bull dogging, however, the quality of the steed's coat will also be considered. Camel hair outranks suede but will not, in any case, trump velvet.
Bull Riding: This is the main event in Office Rodeo. In bull riding the bovine-primate quietly eases up behind the bull, quickly clasps their hands around the bull’s chest, and gently kisses him on the neck. All that is left from there is to hang on for dear life.
Points are awarded for time, size of the bull, and number of broken bones.
In some cases the ride may go into a bonus round. This is when the unwilling bull throws the rider from his back and commences to beat the living crap out of him. Bonus points will be awarded based upon a complex mathematical equation involving the ratio between the number of punches taken and the number of bones broken. Most people are far too stupid to understand it, so I won't explain it any further. An additional curse factor will be applied as a tie-breaker.
As you can well imagine, this sport will soon overtake both NASCAR and World Cup Soccer in popularity. So, to all of you, I say, “YEE HAW! Let's Rodeo!”
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Astute Observations of the Wizard of Oz
Written August 30, 2003
My family recently traveled to Nova Scotia (yes, Canada) for our summer vacation. For the trip we had the pleasure of borrowing my sister-in-law’s VHS player for the car. This provided to be a very useful tool in keeping the kids entertained on the 5000 plus mile drive. As a special “vacation treat,” we bought the kids some new movies, including the classic “Wizard of Oz.”
My childhood memories of the Wizard of Oz are very happy. I recall CBS running the movie in the fall of the year and the excitement and anticipation I felt. I remember being scared to death of the flying monkeys and tremendously entertained by the Munchkins. I recollect eating popcorn and lying on the couch with my brother. But most of all, I remember enjoying the movie. In two short weeks all of that changed.
First of all, let me say that kids, as a whole, would not make good drug addicts. They get one thing that they like in their heads and they RUN IT INTO THE GROUND! They are obsessive and use screams and tirades to quickly become very convincing in their wants and desires. Such is the case with our Wizard of Oz movie.
Being an engineer with an astute knowledge of counting and estimation, I would venture to guess that on our two-week trip, we watched the Wizard of Oz no less than 7,283 times. This number may be a bit understated.
Now, being the driver for the majority of the trip and the entire time in which the VHS player was active, I was required to be awake most of the time. As a result, I was semi-conscious for every viewing of the Wizard of Oz. Furthermore, because I was driving, I had to sit in the front seat, thus putting me out of the line of sight for the screen. This allowed me to only enjoy the audio portion of the movie, which was fine and dandy the first hundred or so times through the movie. It gave me an opportunity to actually listen to the song lyrics and find out what they truly were. After a while, however, the words begin to have the same effect as 38 Mrs. Thills (5th grade English teacher) simultaneously running their fingernails down the blackboard.
One may ask, “Why didn’t you simply turn the back speakers off and listen to the car stereo?”
To that I simply reply, “You poor, ignorant fool.”
For everyone who has small children knows that they are born deaf and do not develop a sense of hearing until they are around 23. Due to their lack of ear function, they require that the television by turned up to jet engine proportions and, even with their deafness, they are able to detect the slightest sound from the front speakers and address it with a bold “I can’t hear! Turn down the radio!” As a result, the drive became my sentence for some evil I had done in my life.
Throughout the process of listening to the movie, I have made several previously unknown observations about the Wizard of Oz movie and the characters within. I feel as part of my community service for whatever wrong to society I had previously done I should share these observations with the world.
Observation #1
Dorothy is an idiot, as are the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion and the Wizard. Dorothy’s idiocracy is apparent from the beginning. Everything from falling into the hog pen to lying on her bed as a tornado rips through the farm shows her lack of intelligence. In addition, she easily falls into the trap set by Glenda, the Good Witch of the North (see Observation #2).
Dorothy’s three companions along the Yellow Brick road are proved morons by the Wizard. For each of them had the power all along to change their unfortunate predicaments but were too wrapped up in self-pity to realize this fact.
The Wizard is actually an idiot savant. For he has brilliantly fooled the people of Oz into thinking he was an all-powerful wizard while, in actuality, having no powers. Unfortunately, he allows a stupid dog to expose his inadequacies.
Observation #2
Glenda, the “Good” Witch of the North, is actual a mastermind of evil. From this observation, there are actually two paths one can follow to draw the same conclusion.
Path #1
Once Dorothy’s house landed on and killed the Wicked Witch of the East, Glenda saw her opportunity for supreme power in Oz. Ignoring the fact that a witch of the south is never mentioned (she’s probably some snobby Southern Belle), Glenda knew that eradication of the Wicked Witch of the West would provide her with supreme witch power. As a result, she plays Dorothy for the fool she is (see Observation #1). She puts the ruby red slippers on Dorothy’s feet and sends her off to the Wizard, knowing all the while that Dorothy only needed to do the whole tapping her heels bit to get home. However, by sending Dorothy to the Wizard, Glenda was aware that there would be run-ins with the Witch of the West. Dorothy would either have to destroy the witch or be destroyed herself. If Dorothy killed the Wicked Witch then everything works out to Glenda’s advantage. If Dorothy gets killed, then it’s “Oh well…I’ll wait for another house to drop from Kansas.” Either way, Glenda looks good and retains her syrupy sweet image.
As an added bonus, Glenda knows that the Wizard is an idiot (see Observation #1) and really has no power. Thus, in order to save face, he will have to use his balloon to haul her home and as a result, will be out of the picture. This gives Glenda supreme power over all of Oz.
Path #2
When Glenda shows up, Dorothy quickly offends her with the “Witches are old an ugly” line. This pisses Glenda off and makes her want to get even with Dorothy and results in the ruby red slippers being placed on Dorothy’s feet, thus setting the stage for a run-in with the Wicked Witch of the West. Underestimating the level of Dorothy’s idiocracy and sense of dumb luck, Glenda’s plan is foiled by a simple bucket of water. She is then forced to save face and send Dorothy home.
Either path leads to the same conclusion: Glenda is a bitch.
Observation #3
The proper pronunciation of Dorothy is “Door-O-Thee” - extremely heavy on the O. The constant mentioning of her name, specifically by the Scarecrow, makes me crazy! Especially when he spouts off, “What have you learned Door-O-Thee?” That drives me to extreme levels of insanity.
Observation #4
Toto should be shot. If it weren’t for that mangy mutt's antics in the first place, none of this would have happened. If none of this had happened, there would be no Wizard of Oz movie and I would not be half crazed by Judy Garland’s whiney, pathetic voice.
In conclusion, Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion, and the Wizard are morons, Toto should be dead, and Glenda is a bitch. Moreover, even the best of things can be ruined by repetition. However, it was this repetition that kept the kids from going completely bonkers on our long trip, thus sparing Aimee and myself from levels of insanity unknown to mortal man.
My family recently traveled to Nova Scotia (yes, Canada) for our summer vacation. For the trip we had the pleasure of borrowing my sister-in-law’s VHS player for the car. This provided to be a very useful tool in keeping the kids entertained on the 5000 plus mile drive. As a special “vacation treat,” we bought the kids some new movies, including the classic “Wizard of Oz.”
My childhood memories of the Wizard of Oz are very happy. I recall CBS running the movie in the fall of the year and the excitement and anticipation I felt. I remember being scared to death of the flying monkeys and tremendously entertained by the Munchkins. I recollect eating popcorn and lying on the couch with my brother. But most of all, I remember enjoying the movie. In two short weeks all of that changed.
First of all, let me say that kids, as a whole, would not make good drug addicts. They get one thing that they like in their heads and they RUN IT INTO THE GROUND! They are obsessive and use screams and tirades to quickly become very convincing in their wants and desires. Such is the case with our Wizard of Oz movie.
Being an engineer with an astute knowledge of counting and estimation, I would venture to guess that on our two-week trip, we watched the Wizard of Oz no less than 7,283 times. This number may be a bit understated.
Now, being the driver for the majority of the trip and the entire time in which the VHS player was active, I was required to be awake most of the time. As a result, I was semi-conscious for every viewing of the Wizard of Oz. Furthermore, because I was driving, I had to sit in the front seat, thus putting me out of the line of sight for the screen. This allowed me to only enjoy the audio portion of the movie, which was fine and dandy the first hundred or so times through the movie. It gave me an opportunity to actually listen to the song lyrics and find out what they truly were. After a while, however, the words begin to have the same effect as 38 Mrs. Thills (5th grade English teacher) simultaneously running their fingernails down the blackboard.
One may ask, “Why didn’t you simply turn the back speakers off and listen to the car stereo?”
To that I simply reply, “You poor, ignorant fool.”
For everyone who has small children knows that they are born deaf and do not develop a sense of hearing until they are around 23. Due to their lack of ear function, they require that the television by turned up to jet engine proportions and, even with their deafness, they are able to detect the slightest sound from the front speakers and address it with a bold “I can’t hear! Turn down the radio!” As a result, the drive became my sentence for some evil I had done in my life.
Throughout the process of listening to the movie, I have made several previously unknown observations about the Wizard of Oz movie and the characters within. I feel as part of my community service for whatever wrong to society I had previously done I should share these observations with the world.
Observation #1
Dorothy is an idiot, as are the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion and the Wizard. Dorothy’s idiocracy is apparent from the beginning. Everything from falling into the hog pen to lying on her bed as a tornado rips through the farm shows her lack of intelligence. In addition, she easily falls into the trap set by Glenda, the Good Witch of the North (see Observation #2).
Dorothy’s three companions along the Yellow Brick road are proved morons by the Wizard. For each of them had the power all along to change their unfortunate predicaments but were too wrapped up in self-pity to realize this fact.
The Wizard is actually an idiot savant. For he has brilliantly fooled the people of Oz into thinking he was an all-powerful wizard while, in actuality, having no powers. Unfortunately, he allows a stupid dog to expose his inadequacies.
Observation #2
Glenda, the “Good” Witch of the North, is actual a mastermind of evil. From this observation, there are actually two paths one can follow to draw the same conclusion.
Path #1
Once Dorothy’s house landed on and killed the Wicked Witch of the East, Glenda saw her opportunity for supreme power in Oz. Ignoring the fact that a witch of the south is never mentioned (she’s probably some snobby Southern Belle), Glenda knew that eradication of the Wicked Witch of the West would provide her with supreme witch power. As a result, she plays Dorothy for the fool she is (see Observation #1). She puts the ruby red slippers on Dorothy’s feet and sends her off to the Wizard, knowing all the while that Dorothy only needed to do the whole tapping her heels bit to get home. However, by sending Dorothy to the Wizard, Glenda was aware that there would be run-ins with the Witch of the West. Dorothy would either have to destroy the witch or be destroyed herself. If Dorothy killed the Wicked Witch then everything works out to Glenda’s advantage. If Dorothy gets killed, then it’s “Oh well…I’ll wait for another house to drop from Kansas.” Either way, Glenda looks good and retains her syrupy sweet image.
As an added bonus, Glenda knows that the Wizard is an idiot (see Observation #1) and really has no power. Thus, in order to save face, he will have to use his balloon to haul her home and as a result, will be out of the picture. This gives Glenda supreme power over all of Oz.
Path #2
When Glenda shows up, Dorothy quickly offends her with the “Witches are old an ugly” line. This pisses Glenda off and makes her want to get even with Dorothy and results in the ruby red slippers being placed on Dorothy’s feet, thus setting the stage for a run-in with the Wicked Witch of the West. Underestimating the level of Dorothy’s idiocracy and sense of dumb luck, Glenda’s plan is foiled by a simple bucket of water. She is then forced to save face and send Dorothy home.
Either path leads to the same conclusion: Glenda is a bitch.
Observation #3
The proper pronunciation of Dorothy is “Door-O-Thee” - extremely heavy on the O. The constant mentioning of her name, specifically by the Scarecrow, makes me crazy! Especially when he spouts off, “What have you learned Door-O-Thee?” That drives me to extreme levels of insanity.
Observation #4
Toto should be shot. If it weren’t for that mangy mutt's antics in the first place, none of this would have happened. If none of this had happened, there would be no Wizard of Oz movie and I would not be half crazed by Judy Garland’s whiney, pathetic voice.
In conclusion, Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion, and the Wizard are morons, Toto should be dead, and Glenda is a bitch. Moreover, even the best of things can be ruined by repetition. However, it was this repetition that kept the kids from going completely bonkers on our long trip, thus sparing Aimee and myself from levels of insanity unknown to mortal man.
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