Washing Dishes

With the success of my Guide to Laundry, I thought I’d provide a lesson in how to wash dishes. By success, I mean having written four pages of nonsense which no one will read.

Either way, here is my take on doing dishes.

In order to prevent illness, dishes should be washed and sanitized after use. Like the washing machine, great strides have been made in the advancement of dishwashing. I’m not sure if you have noticed, but there is an automatic dishwashing machine located next to the sink! Literally right next to the sink! (see below)

To wash dishes, all that is required is that the items be loaded in a somewhat orderly fashion. Then it’s as simple as pushing a button to let the magic of innovation take over the mundane task of washing dishes. It must be noted, some dishes should be hand washed, such as printed mugs/glasses, delicate pieces, and some larger items. 

While the concept of hand washing seems like an insurmountable mountain of difficulty, you will be amazed at the ease at which this can be accomplished. Soap is available in an easy to use pump, sponges can be found right in the sink, and a drying rack is conveniently located on the counter. In case you are unaware of what a sink is, it’s the deep hole where you usually stack dirty dishes so that food can cure to their surface.

Like laundry, the final step is putting the dishes away. This can be accomplished with relative ease and makes completing the next wash cycle far easier. Just find where you got the plate, bowl, or glass from and put it back there.

Contrary to belief, Snow White is not going to show up and just take care of the dishes. So, once you finish a bowl of cereal, glass of milk, or delicious hot pocket, go ahead and put that dish in the dishwasher!

Pick Up After Yourself

Enjoy another installment of my rants on getting my kids to do simple things around the house. Is it working? Not really.

A clever way of keeping the house clean, and the workload down, is to pick up after yourself. This is especially handy advice when it comes to candy wrappers, cookie boxes, and half-finished cans of soda.

It’s great to imagine that a team of mice, ants, and other vermin will come in singing a happy tune and spiff up the place while you enjoy the offerings of Netflix. But, the reality is that this is not going to occur. Granted, I will cede that the pests will actually arrive in force, but they will not be there to help clean up.

Usually the progression of vermin starts like this. You leave a half-empty can of soda and a smashed candy bar on your dresser. Somehow, ants can detect this when they are in the dirt and your unfinished bounty is located on the second floor. They appear in in an orderly fashion and get to work; like the Germans setting up a factory. The key word is precision.

Soon houseflies clue in that there’s a new place to spread tiny bits of fecal matter. They arrive in ones and twos, and maybe one of them lets it slip back at the dung pile that there’s a new place to eat. A wasp, hiding from his family, overhears this and decides to check it out. Now you begin freaking out, not because your room is turning into a trash dump, but because there is a wasp in the house.

Before long, the mice find out about the makeshift food pantry that is your room. They find their way into the garage, somehow climb the wall to get into the attic, and move on to your bedroom. There are two great things to consider when attracting mice. The first is that their teeth grow at something like two feet an hour. So along their journey, they manage to chew holes in everything they encounter. The second is that they literally crap every three minutes.

Finally, if you’re lucky, and your offering to the vermin gods go unnoticed, a band of roaches will get wind of the convention, and roll in. Keep in mind, having roaches show up is like inviting the Hell’s Angels to a birthday party. It’s a bad scene.

How can this pest party be prevented? Clean up after yourself.

As a family we have scrimped and saved to purchase waste receptacles for nearly every room of the house. It has taken a lot of sacrifice, but it’s something we believe in and have made a reality. What’s even better is that the need to walk more than fifteen paces to a trashcan has been almost completely eliminated! It really is a tremendous accomplishment, and I encourage you to use them freely.

Proper Handling of Laundry – Part 4

Congratulations, you have made it through the first three phases of the laundry process. You are probably now standing in your bedroom with a pile of clean folded clothes, wondering, "Now What?" 

Well, you have reached the final stage of the laundry process: Storing.

Storing
This final step in the entire laundry experience is perhaps the most likely to be left unaccomplished. What’s amazing is that if the other three segments have been executed properly, this is the easiest phase to complete.

Storing is nothing more than putting your clean, folded laundry in a closet, dresser, or even tub. It’s that easy! No complex formulas, no difficult instructions. Just stack or hang the clothes somewhere.


Now that the tasks of laundry have been clearly defined, you are ready to accomplish this activity on your own! What’s more, you can be a local hero by helping other members of your family out once in a while. It takes very little time to pick up someone else’s dirty socks, or to hang a skirt in a closet. The extra twelve seconds you give of yourself will be paid back tenfold in praise and adoration! Or at least with less yelling from Mom and Dad.

Proper Handling of Laundry – Part 3

If you are reading this, I can safely assume that you have mastered the concepts found in Part 1 and 2 of this guide to laundry. I also imagine you are sitting with a mountain of clean clothes wondering what to do. You are now ready for Phase 3: Folding and Transport.


Folding and Transport
If you are old enough to read, an attempt has probably been made to get you to fold clothes. Let’s not fool ourselves, folding clothes is awful. But can you guess what is worse? Folding clothes for five people. 

It’s hard to believe, but the simple act of folding clothes will make your entire dressing experience more enjoyable. Folded clothes are easier to store and easier to find. A properly stored tee-shirt can reduce dressing time by up to 30 minutes (at least in my house). What’s even better is that when your clothes are folded or hung up, you are less likely to be mistaken for a homeless person or a wrinkled piece of paper. 

You may argue that you have no idea how to fold a shirt or a pair of pants. I really do not care how it’s done. The basic concept is to make it flat, and then make the area it covers smaller, while maintaining flatness. Regarding hanging garments; if you cannot figure this out on your own, we should check you into a hospital.

Fun Fact: Clothes folding can be combined with watching television! 

I realize that you may actually choose not to fold your clothes. On this point I will concede that there is the idea of personal choice. You may indeed choose not to fold your clothes; this is acceptable (really it’s not, but at this point I’m tired of arguing). However, what is not acceptable is using the couch as the final destination for your wardrobe. Clean clothes must be taken back to your bedroom. I know this is a very difficult and laborious process, especially for those of us who live in multi-story houses. Keep in mind when you feel the swell of complaint rising in your chest, remember you are not being forced to drag stones up a ramp to build a pyramid for Pharaoh, you are being asked to carry a stack of jeans 50 to 100 feet.

Mid Week Rant - Turn Off the Lights!!!

As you have probably noticed, our house is equipped with electrically powered lighting. Thanks to the diligence of Thomas Edison, with the flip of a switch we can illuminate our home. It is almost magical.

Unfortunately, the magic stops just short of actually paying for the electricity we use. If you are not aware, the switches used to turn the lights on can also be used to turn the lights off. This marvel of switch technology may seem utterly amazing, but in reality it is quite simple. I shall explain it below.

Lifting the switch turns the power on, and lowering the switch turns the power off.

I imagine right now you are taking a moment to let this sink in.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Yes! What this means is that lights no longer have to remain on forever once powered! I’m sure with this new found information you will be compelled to never leave a light on again.

I’m glad we had this talk.

Proper Handling of Laundry – Part 2

In Part 1 of this guide to laundry, we explored the concept of getting your dirty laundry to the laundry room. This week we will discuss those machines known as the Washer and Dryer.

Washing and Drying
Great strides have been made in the arena of washing and drying clothes over the last millennia. Since about 1910 mankind has enjoyed technical advancement of the automatic clothes washer, which has greatly reduced the effort required for fresh, laundered clothing. The best part is that you can have one of these magical contraptions in your own home! 

The wide array of buttons and knobs found on the washing machine control panel can be intimidating; but don’t be fooled, the operation is quite easy. Just find something that says "NORMAL" and push it. Good enough. If you’re looking to impress, change the water temperature. And if you really want to get fancy, try reading the tags in your garments and see what is recommended. That’s right; there is actually information on those annoying strips of fabric. Remember, you can almost never go wrong with cold water.

The good people at your favorite laundry soap producers have even dumbed down the process of measuring detergent. Gone are the days when you had to actually scoop powered detergent or pour liquid detergent. We now have the pod. Just toss one in with your pre-sorted clothes (see Part 1), close the door, and start washing.

Advanced Activity: Try adding some fabric softener to your load. Not only will your clothes be super soft, but they will also smell like a meadow of wild flowers (at least that’s what the television tells me). 

Upon completion of the wash cycle (which will happen even if you’re not in the room), the wet laundry must undergo a drying process. There are two standard methods‒each of which is acceptable. 

The first is to use the automatic clothes dryer. This contraption is typically located within three feet of the washing machine and applies heat and moving air to dry your garments. So look left, look right, or even look up‒you are almost certain to find it. Like the washing machine, the dryer panel is laden with knobs and buttons. Whatever you do, do not panic! The idea is to get things inside warm, or even hot, so just pick something that makes sense and push start.

The second method relies on a process that scientists call "evaporation." While somewhat more labor intensive, this approach is a safe, gentle, and environmentally friendly way to dry your clothes. All you need is an old-fashioned clothesline, drying rack, clothes hanger or anything else that will allow air to contact your wet clothes. Once you’ve draped your clothes, just sit back and let the wonder of science do its thing. This method is recommended for items that you wish to have last for a long time, such as printed tee shirts and sweaters.


Congratulations! You have now successfully made your dirty clothes clean. But the fun does not end here. Next week we will discuss the adventure of getting your newly laundered wardrobe back from whence it came.

Proper Handling of Laundry – Part 1

It seems that my kids cannot grasp the concept of laundry. Even the simple part like getting their stinky clothes from the floor to the laundry room is overly difficult. This basic guide was written with the hope that they will begin to grasp some of the elementary concepts associated with making dirty clothes clean. I know it’s a stretch, given that I still find spoons under the couch.

In the exciting world of laundry, there are four basic steps which must be accomplished to achieve success. Each task builds upon the previous one, and the final culmination results in clean, folded clothes. 

At first glance the task seems insurmountable, and I realize that your fear may cause you to exclaim, "I don’t have the know-how to wash clothes!" But do not fret you sweet laundry neophyte, each step is actually quite simple, and unlike rocket surgery, the entire task can be accomplished without the aid of specialized training, advanced university degrees, or a Lexile reading score of over 200. Essentially, laundry can, and should, be enjoyed by everyone.

This is Part 1 of a four part series designed to explain the seemingly complex intricacies of washing your own clothes. The phases that will be discussed over the next four weeks are listed below. 

• Part 1: Transport and Sorting
• Part 2: Washing and Drying
• Part 3: Folding and Transport
• Part 4: Storing

Feel free to come back to any part for further review as required.

Transport and Sorting
Although it may seem that getting your clothes off the floor and to the laundry room is a difficult chore, it is actually very easy. It simply involves picking them up. In actuality, you could even kick them there, thus delaying bending over by minutes! The goal is merely to move your dirty clothes from Points A through F to Point G.

Once the clothes have made the long, arduous journey from various locations around your home, the next action actually requires a specific skillset: the ability to sort colors. Fortunately, if you were ever a three-year-old you have had the training required to complete this task.

In case you don’t fully understand the concept, just make piles of clothes that are in the same color family. If it’s red or orange, put it with other stuff that’s red and orange. Black or grey? That’s right, with other black and grey things. And, if it’s white, don’t put it with the reds. There are lots of strategies employed for color sorting. Go with what suits you best...or at least with what you are told to do.

Please note, that the task of sorting is made more difficult when your clothes are wrong‒side out and knotted together. Nothing slows the sorting process down like untangling tee shirts from sweaters and underwear from pants. Keep in mind that when undressing, your clothes are usually not on fire. An extra three seconds up front will save you a lot of work in the end.

Advanced Activity: If you truly wish to excel at Part 1 of laundry, this is a perfect time to treat any stains that may be smeared across the front of your favorite tee shirt or across the cuff of your pants. A wide array of pretreatment options exist, none of which are exceedingly difficult to apply.


Next week, I will focus on using those two intimidating machines known as the Washer and Dryer.